Sleep and I are having an argument, apparently. Last Wednesday night I felt like I was awake all night. I didn't come to consciousness and realize that I had been asleep, and I kept thinking things for what seemed hours on end. And here I am again at 4:45 a.m., having lain awake for an hour or so already.

Paul took me to chemo on Wednesday, and we had a nice long time in the waiting room. Since my doctors don't go in for woodworking or amateur radio or scientific magazines, Paul decided to sleep in his chair while looking like he was listening politely to a long and rather uninteresting anecdote. I worked on the puzzle. It was a bit frustrating, because I kept needing edge pieces that I couldn't find and got annoyed that someone hadn't sorted out and fitted together all the edge pieces first, as puzzledoers obviously ought to do!

We saw the doctor at 11 a.m. (9:30 appointment) because there had been a couple of emergencies, one involving fluid in lungs which then collapsed. It struck me that I am having an easy time dealing with a nasty disease. This was confirmed by Dr. W, who asked if I'd noticed all sorts of different symptoms (including more lumps). Quite shocking how a 70% chance of recovery suddenly seemed not enough.

I haven't felt energetic this time. I've had the two achy days and today feels like this will be the third. I wonder if this is what chronic pain feels like? Continually reminding yourself to just put up with it, and pushing it back to a corner of your mind and doing other things until it surprises you by being out in the center again and you realize that you did actually watch it creep back in while pretending not to. Maybe that's what woke me up this morning, or perhaps the realisation that my pillow had gone hard, or that I was really thirsty.

Last night we went to Paula's and I was unpleasantly surprised at the nasty chalky bitterness of the broccoli and the strange metallic tinge to the dip. Even though I think I'm prepared, that I know food isn't going to taste good, I still get a jolt when I bite something and it's true. Perversely, the carrots and baby tomatoes did taste good, which made up for it.

I have become quite grateful for chairs. It felt good to put my body into one of the black chairs in the family room and pull a blanket over me and knit. And last night, I really enjoyed the feeling of surrendering the business of supporting myself to something firm but soft! Hooray for chairs!